So many sides to people. You have the "you" who lives at home with your family. You have the "you" that visits with good friends. You have the "you" that interracts with strangers and aquaintances.
But then you have the "you" that is the actual You. Inside you, the voice, the reason.
My inside ME is confused. Making it hard for me to even write my thoughts right now. So let it be a jumble. This is 1 confused piece of me.
First, I'm tired. Not like...I had to get up an hour early this morning tired. Tired like...I haven't slept in months, tired. And everything that I do or try to do ends up failing, tired. My eyes are fuzzy, my brain is frazzled. I can't seem to concentrate on much these days. My house is a mess, my children are wild and crazy, and I am tired. Very tired.
Second ( I said first, so I guess there must be a second) I want to do MORE than I'm doing. And I know that sound stupid, I mean I'm tired and crazy and I have 4 kids so I much have a lot to do already but I don't mean it like that. I just want to be more than I am. I want to get out in the world and do something. I want to change the world for the better. I don't know how. Or when. But I want to do something. I want to feel like there is more to me than a mother, wife, maid...
Third (wow there's 3) this might sound childish...but I want more friends. I mean I know lots of people and there are lots of people I consider friends, but most I've never met and I really wish I had more friends that I could do things with, just sit and chat with...and that were MY friends. Not friends of a friend. I want friends that I can have a girls night out with. Go shopping with. Talk about our husbands with. I want friends that call me when they're happy/sad/excited. I have 1 really good friend "IRL" and I love her lots but I feel like when she's busy or away that I'm just alone and lonely.
Fourth (it just comes to me as I type) I really, deeply wish I could be around my family more. Even being only a couple hours away...it's just far enough that I don't see them nearly as much as I wish I could. I miss them so much and my children are growing up without them. *I* am growing up without them.
I think sometimes that maybe I'm just depressed. but if you think you're depressed...are you really? I feel like if I walk into my doctors office and say "I'm depressed" he'll think I'm just trying to "score some drugs" or something. And I'm not. But I really don't know how much more I can take.
Today a woman in a coffee shop told me that problems with my kids are my fault, not my kids fault. Which I guess is true, but it felt bad hearing it from a stranger and I didn't like that she said it in front of my kids. I know I'm not perfect. I know I'm not always right. But that doesn't make it easier to raise 4 children. Today I heard women...mothers...tell another mom that she shouldn't have another baby because she didn't have enough money. Which really cuts me, because we don't have a lot of money and we have 4 kids. Were we wrong? Was it a bad choice? It also hurts to hear the people who I turn to for support try to cut down someone's dream. They say that they feel like they should tell the "truth" and "their opinion" but it seems to me that we all know the truth, and we all know the details of our lives and we all know how our families feel...and when we need support...well we NEED people who will say we're right. That what we're feeling is RIGHT and if they can't do that then they aren't supportive. Whether or not what I want is best for my family doesn't matter, my feelings are what I need support with and I feel like I can't get that when I need it. They also called me an instigator for asking a question. One that was not a bad question, wasn't mean or rude... I wasn't hurting anyone's feelings. And they were mean and rude and hurtful and then blamed me for it. It's like these grown women can't take responsibility for their own actions. I did not walk over to their houses and type mean things on their computers.
Sigh.
Some of that was left over crappy feelings from earlier.
Well my children are inside now and the baby is crying and the house is still a mess. And all I want to do is go to bed.
I'm so tired.
3 comments:
Actually, if you're wondering if you're depressed, you may well be. I got REALLY depressed when Ben was about four or five months old. Bad enough I couldn't take it any more and just sat around numb a lot. Dr's don't think that - antidepressants don't get you high so it's not exactly "scoring".
Those women should be slapped. I know I'm not close enough to take you out shopping or talk about our husbands I do think you're very cool and a great Mama - and better yet - a great PERSON in your own right. I too could not wait to get out and do something else, anything else, be anything else. I been there and am on my way to the other side. IM me anytime!! Or email, or just keep blogging.
Actually, if you're wondering if you're depressed, you may well be. I got REALLY depressed when Ben was about four or five months old. Bad enough I couldn't take it any more and just sat around numb a lot. Dr's don't think that - antidepressants don't get you high so it's not exactly "scoring".
Those women should be slapped. I know I'm not close enough to take you out shopping or talk about our husbands I do think you're very cool and a great Mama - and better yet - a great PERSON in your own right. I too could not wait to get out and do something else, anything else, be anything else. I been there and am on my way to the other side. IM me anytime!! Or email, or just keep blogging.
Hey chickie,
I just wanna say I feel you. I really really do. I know damn good and well I'm depressed. Some days are better than others, and I take stuff that helps. (you know me though, it didn't come from a doctor, lol)
Like Molly said, we are both here if you need us. I feel blessed to have Molly so close to talk to and bitch at when needed. She's good for that! LOL
Email me and we can exchange phone numbers. We all need someone to talk to.
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